Elves Wanted!

Orophin sat on the sofa playing SSX on Tour.  He was not normally much of a gamer, but he really liked snowboarding games for some reason.  He had not long got off the ‘phone from talking to Legolas, who was on his way over.  Rumil had gone out for the day and Haldir…Well, Haldir didn’t live there anymore, so Orophin had no idea what his eldest brother was up to. 

Rumil was shopping.  He had gone into town intending to start his Christmas shopping but had instead bought stuff for himself.  He had bought some new shirts, a fabulous pair of leather trousers and a new kind of shampoo.  He was contemplating getting the bus home when he saw a sign…his destiny…his true calling.  He rubbed his hands together and came to a decision.  “Oh yes, this is what I’ve been waiting for all my life.”  He stepped through the revolving door into the department store, located the customer service desk and said to the girl behind the desk, “About that sign outside.  It said you were looking for Elves…?”

Legolas finished off the last biscuit in the tin.  Orophin discovered this when he peered inside the tin and found it empty.  “That was the last Jaffa Cake.”  He commented, disappointed.  Jaffa Cakes were his favourites.  Legolas gave him an appealing smile.  “I taste like Jaffa Cakes,” he offered.  Orophin shrugged, ‘Better than nothing, I suppose,” and leapt on Legolas, slipping his tongue into the Jaffa Cake-tasting mouth.  Their kiss was abruptly ended when Rumil burst in, frantically waving papers in front of the smooching pair.

“Put each other down for a moment and pay attention to me!  Orophin, I have found us jobs.”  Rumil announced.  “What?  But I neither want nor need a job.  I have everything I need right here.”  He grinned and slipped his hand into Legolas’ shirt, tickling the other Elf’s belly button.  “I know we don’t need jobs, but it’s almost as if these were created with us in mind!”  Rumil’s enthusiasm won over Orophin’s attention so he grabbed one of the papers and gazed at it curiously.  Legolas read the document over Orophin’s shoulder.  It was a bog-standard job application form.  However, it gave no hint or clue as to what the job was.

“We both have an interview this afternoon, so hurry up and get ready.  I promise you won’t regret this!”  Orophin tried to speak, but his brother was already away through to his bedroom to get changed.  He sank back into the sofa and groaned.  Legolas, seeing that Orophin’s mood had changed so dramatically, tried to cheer his lover.  He straddled Orophin’s lap, wrapping his arms around Orophin’s neck.  “You should humour him, ‘Phin,  You know what he’s like.  Humour him, go to the interview then come home.  I’ll stay here and wait.  You might be lucky, I might do that thing that you asked me about last night.”  Legolas waggled his eyebrows suggestively.  Orophin looked up at him, hopefully.  “You mean with the costumes?”  “Uh-huh…”  Orophin gulped.  “Can I be the schoolgirl?”  “If you want…”  Orophin all but squealed.  “I love dressing up!”  Rumil, who had come back into the room, covered his mouth and giggled.

A smartly dressed woman walked into the reception and called Rumil and Orophin’s names, commanding them to follow her.  The two Elves followed her – one eager, the other apprehensive.  Rumil had still not told Orophin exactly what the jobs were and Orophin’s sense of dread had deepened when they walked into the department store.  The woman led them to an office, opened the door and ushered them in.  Sat behind a desk was a large man, dressed in an ill-fitting red suit.  He had a mass of white hair on his head and huge, white beard.  Orophin briefly wondered if he had recently been exercising as his cheeks were bright red.  The man stood and held out his hand.

‘Ho-ho-ho, nice to meet you two fellas.  Take a seat.”  The Elves shook the man’s hand and sat.  “This will be a short interview.  There are only a few things I need to know.  First, are you both enthusiastic?”  Rumil and Orophin nodded their heads, enthusiastically.  “Great.  Second, do you like children?”   Orophin hesitated for a moment, before joining Rumil in nodding.  “Fantastic!  Third, are you free to work during the day between now and December 24^th?  You’d be working a four day week, Thursday to Sunday.  Weekends are especially busy.”  “We’re free on those days.”  Rumil answered for both.  The fat man grinned.

“I can’t believe they offered us the jobs.  This is going to be great, Orophin!”  Rumil could hardly contain his excitement.  Orophin struggled to keep up with him.  They had been given directions to another part of the building for their ‘costume fitting’.  Orophin tugged on Rumil’s sleeve.  “What did he mean, costumes?  What are we going to be doing, Rumil?”  Rumil just grinned in reply and continued hurrying along the corridor.

“Rumil, please tell me…what are these jobs?  If you don’t tell me, I’m going home right now!”  Orophin tried to look threatening, but found it difficult with a girl kneeling in front of him, measuring his inside leg.  She stood up and cleared her throat.  “You’re in luck gents, we have costumes already that should fit you.  I’ll just go and get them.  The changing rooms are over there.”  She pointed in the direction of a couple of small cabins with curtains over the front.  “Go on then – I’ll pass your costumes into you.”  She turned on her heel and Orophin and Rumil made their way over.

Orophin stood in his underwear, waiting for whatever it was that he was going to be wearing.  The curtain twitched and a bundle of clothes appeared.  He took them and set them down on the bench.  He picked up a pair of red leggings and looked at them.  “Eh?”  He stepped into the leggings and pulled them up.  Next was a green, velvet shirt with a white furry collar and white furry cuffs.  He buttoned it up and then strapped on the red belt that also lay in the pile.  The last item was a red, pointy hat.  It had a green trim and a bell at the point.  It jangled when Orophin picked it up to put it on.  There was no mirror in the changing room, but Orophin suspected he looked ridiculous.  A hand appeared around the curtain and a voice said, ‘Whoops.  Almost forgot these.”  Orophin took them and groaned.  “What the fuck…?”  They were green, also pointy and also had a bell on the end.  He slipped them on, grumbling.

“Come on, Orophin.  Let’s see you!”  Rumil was fully dressed and loving his costume.  He bounced around, jangling his bells.  Orophin slowly pulled back the curtain and stepped out into the room.  Rumil clapped his hands and exclaimed, ‘You look fantastic!  What about me?”  Rumil was dressed in a similar outfit to Orophin, the only difference was that Rumil wore a huge smile and Orophin wore a frown.  “Aw, c’mon!  Cheer up, Orophin.  Santa can’t have grumpy elves, can he?”  Orophin’s head snapped up.

‘What?”

Rumil stopped bouncing.  He beamed widely.  “We’re going to be Santa’s helpers!  We’re Santa’s elves!  We couldn’t be more qualified for the jobs, could we?  Orophin?  Um, Orophin…why are you looking at me like that?  Orophin?  Urk!”  The last noise was the sound that Rumil made when Orophin grabbed his fluffy, white collar and pulled him close so they were nose to nose and bell to bell.

“You mean to tell me that you have signed us up to wear these stupid costumes for four days a week between now and Christmas, to entertain children as Santa’s Little Helpers?”  Rumil gasped for breath and nodded.  “Are you fucking insane?”  Rumil tried for an appealing smile but it came out looking strained.  He struggled to speak.  “Think about it, Orophin – it’ll be fun!  Just give it a try for a couple of days.  If you don’t like it, you can quit.”  Orophin let go of Rumil’s collar.

“Fine!  I’ll give it two days, but I swear if any child drools, vomits or gets any other unmentionable bodily function on me, I’ll kill you.”  “Agreed.”  Rumil took to bouncing and jangling again.  “This is going to be so much fun!”  Orophin just shook his head and muttered, “Santa’s fucking elves…”

TBC…