Two for a Pound!

Haldir walked into the flat that he shared with his brother.  He could hear raised voices coming from the living room, so went to investigate.  He pushed the door open and his jaw dropped.  Every surface was covered in boxes and in every box there was an assortment of items - mobile ‘phone covers, lighters, key rings, pens and other small items.  In the midst of the mess sat Orophin and Rumil, arguing over what appeared to be sports socks.

“Two for a pound, I say!”  Orophin waved a pair of socks at Rumil who shook his head.  “Absolutely not, we sell one pair for a pound.”  Neither had noticed their brother nor his rising fury.  Their bickering continued.  “Look, if we say two for a pound, then we’re bound to sell more.  It’s a bargain!”  Rumil shook his head again, “I see what you’re saying but that’ll eat into our stock.  If we sell them at a pound a pair…”  He didn’t finish his sentence as Haldir whacked him over the head with a garishly coloured, stuffed dinosaur.  Rumil looked up at Haldir.  Haldir’s eyes were slits and he ground his teeth in anger.  He pointed the dinosaur at Rumil and asked, “What is going on?  Why does our living room resemble a stock room for a tacky gift shop?  Why have you got all of this rubbish?  And why are you arguing over the price of sports socks?”  Haldir gestured to the box of socks.  Flora, Haldir’s kitten had made a cosy little nest amongst them.

Orophin cleared his throat.  “Um, well…  It was Rumil’s idea!”  Rumil gasped and opened his mouth to retort.  Haldir hushed him with a wave of his hand.  “Now why does that not surprise me?”  Haldir turned back to Orophin and sighed.  “Why do you always go along with his crazy ideas?  You’re supposed to be the sensible one.”  Haldir hefted a box off the sofa and sat down.  He was poked in the back by a plastic coat hanger.  He picked up the hanger and threw it across the room.  It bounced off a box full of singing fish, and a few of them started to warble, tunelessly.  Haldir groaned and rubbed his temples.  “Elves aren’t supposed to get headaches,” he murmured.

“We bought all of this stuff on EBay.  They had boxes of assorted items for sale.  We thought we’d set up a stall at the market.  Make some cash.”  Rumil shrugged and looked around.  “We didn’t realise that we’d end up with these…things.”  Rumil picked up a mobile ‘phone cover.  It had a picture of Santa Claus on it.  Well, Rumil supposed it was meant to be Santa; it looked more like an escaped convict wearing a red dress.  The eyes held a slightly menacing glint and the rosy cheeks looked as though Santa had been drinking cheap wine - a lot of cheap wine.  It was a sorry looking thing.  Rumil tossed it over his shoulder, sighed and shook his head.  “It seemed like such a good idea at the time,” He grumbled.  Haldir snorted.  “Most of your ideas do – particularly the bad ones!”

Haldir had given up listening to his brothers’ maddening argument about the price of sports socks and had retired to his bed.  As he lay on his bed gazing up at the ceiling he wondered what he had done to deserve this fate.  To live with one brother with crazy ideas was bad enough, but now that Rumil had started to rope Orophin into his crazy schemes...it was almost more than he could stand.  Perhaps it was time for a change.  Perhaps it was time he moved out.  He had considered the possibility whilst he had been with Severus that the day would come when he’d leave behind his brothers and start a new life on his own, but then the relationship had crumbled and so had his dreams of setting up home with Severus.  Still, there was nothing to say he had to live with anyone – he might be happy on his own.  He smiled as he pictured himself pottering around in a little country cottage.  All alone.  Well, maybe not entirely alone.  He supposed his brothers wouldn’t mind too much if he took Flora with him.  He was just drifting off for a small nap when he was jolted back to reality by a loud wailing noise.

“Turn it off!  Turn it off!!”  Orophin yelled and clamped his hands over his ears.  Flora raced around the room trying to escape the racket.  In his hand, Rumil held a small, black object – the source of the cacophony.  He wiggled a switch on the side, nothing happened.  He shook the thing, nothing happened.  He tried hitting it with a garish dinosaur, unsurprisingly nothing happened.  He was just about to try cracking the plastic casing open when Haldir grabbed it out of his hands, threw it on the floor and stomped on it.  After the fourth stomp, the gadget broke and the noise ceased.  Rumil slapped him on the arm.  “Hey!  I can’t sell that now!”  He beat a hasty retreat when Haldir turned angrily on him, lest he was also the recipient of a good stomping.  Orophin bit back a snigger.  Haldir scooped Flora into his arms and murmured comforting words into her delicate ears.  As he walked out of the room, he heard Rumil mutter, “Oh, so that’s how you turn it off.”

Flora jumped out of Haldir’s arms and onto his bed where she curled up into a ball and promptly fell asleep.  Haldir cast a glance around his cluttered bedroom.  It was barely bigger than a box room.  When the three brothers had moved in, he had elected to have the smaller of the two bedrooms so he could have privacy, whilst Rumil and Orophin shared the double room.  His bed was tight up against one the wall under the window, his armoire stood at the foot of his bed and on the wall opposite his bed was a small writing desk and a chest of drawers.  Every available surface was covered with personal items, books, assorted trinkets and of course, his weapons.  He grunted to himself.  “Hardly room to swing a cat.  Don’t worry Flora; it’s a figure of speech.”  He sat on his bed and ran his hand over the sleeping cat’s form.  “Would you like a new home, Flora?  Perhaps somewhere you could run around outside, chasing butterflies and mice?  Rumil and Orophin could come and visit now and again, but it’d be nice to be just us, eh?” 

The next morning, Haldir walked into the living room and found his brothers fast asleep amongst the clutter.  He chuckled to himself and quietly left the flat.  At the sound of the front door closing, Orophin sat up and looked around, groaning to himself when he saw the mess.  He shook Rumil awake.  “We’d better tidy this up otherwise he’ll have a fit.  You know what he’s like.”  Rumil nodded his agreement and the pair began piling the boxes into a corner.  They had managed to create a pathway through the living room by the time Haldir returned with the morning papers and some hot rolls for breakfast. 

Rumil sat down at the kitchen table, poured himself a mug of tea and helped himself to a roll.  “Don’t worry; we’ll have that stuff out of the flat by tonight.  Legolas said we can store it at his place until market-day.  He’s coming around later with his dad’s transit van to help us shift it.”  Haldir merely smiled as he licked some jam off his fingers and continued to read the paper.  Orophin raised his eyebrows at Rumil.  “You seem unusually calm this morning, Haldir.  Is everything okay?”  Haldir glanced up from the newspaper and grinned.  “I am in a wonderful mood today.  It’s amazing what a good night’s rest can do.”  He drained his mug of tea, folded the newspaper under his arm and headed off to his bedroom.  Rumil and Orophin stared after their brother, amazed at his sudden change of mood.  Haldir had been particularly foul-tempered of late and both Rumil and Orophin had expected this morning to be especially bad given the pile of junk – noisy junk at that – inhabiting their living room.

Rumil, Orophin and Legolas had managed to empty the flat of boxes.  Not that Legolas had actually helped, more he had directed the other two.  He saw himself in the role of foreman rather than worker.  As a result, Rumil and Orophin were red-faced and slightly sweaty whereas Legolas was still as fresh as the proverbial daisy.  Rumil leaned back against the sofa, popped open a cold can of Stella Artois and drained half the can in one gulp.  Orophin glugged down a glass of iced water and Legolas sipped his chamomile tea.  “Phew!  I’m exhausted.  Lucky Thranduil doesn’t need the van back until tomorrow.  I don’t think I could face carry that lot up to your flat, Legs.”  Legolas flinched.  “Please, don’t call me Legs.  It’s a terrible nickname.”  Orophin patted Legolas sympathetically on the shoulder.  “He calls me worse, believe me.  Anyway, I’m off for a shower.” 

Orophin made his way down the hall to the bathroom.  He had to pass Haldir’s room to get there and happened to hear his brother’s (excited?) voice.  He knew he shouldn’t.  He knew it wasn’t right, but Orophin couldn’t help himself.  He stopped and listened to his brother’s side of the conversation.  Haldir’s voice was slightly muffled but Orophin could hear him say, “Great!  I’ll see you this afternoon, then.  Yes, two-thirty.  I’m looking forward to it.  Bye.”  Realisation dawned on Orophin.  Now he knew why his brother’s mood had improved.  He had met someone new and was going on a date with them that very afternoon.  Grinning, he continued to the bathroom for his shower.

“I’m looking forward to it.  Bye.”  Haldir snapped shut his ‘phone and sat back on his bed, satisfied.  After a night of dreaming about the perfect house, he had awoken with only one thing on his mind – moving out.  He remembered that this was the day that the property supplement appeared in the paper and had headed out first thing to buy it.  After breakfast, he took the paper to his bedroom and poured over the property guide.  He had seen a few potential houses and made appointments to view them.  The first was to take place that afternoon at two-thirty.  He checked his watch.  It was a little after midday.  He had another call to make.  He opened his ‘phone, scrolled through the names and when he got to the right one, hit the call button.  After a couple of rings a voice answered.  “Hello?”  “Hi, Thranduil.  Do you still have that transit van?  Great – can I borrow it for a few hours this afternoon?  I need transportation.”

 “Haldir!  We’re going down to the pub for lunch.  Do you want to come?”  Rumil stuck his head around Haldir’s bedroom door.  Haldir shook his head.  “No thanks.  I have plans for this afternoon.”  Rumil shrugged and caught up with Orophin and Legolas on the stairs.  “Is he coming?”  Legolas asked, Rumil thought he sounded a bit hopeful.  “No, he says he has plans.  What are you grinning at, Orophin?”  Orophin shook his head.  “My lips are sealed.”  He replied, knowingly.  Rumil punched him playfully on the arm.  “Yeah, right.  We’ll see how talkative you are after a few rum and cokes.”  The three of them laughed and headed out into the sunshine.

Haldir spotted the keys to the van on the coffee table.  Thranduil had told him about his brothers having already borrowed the van, so he didn’t need to pick it up.  He ran downstairs, clambered into the van and started the engine.  For the first time in ages, Haldir felt genuinely happy.  The past two months had dragged by, his heart still heavy with the failure of his and Severus’ relationship.  Now however, he felt positive and excited at the thought of striking out on his own.  He had lived with his brothers all his life and although for the most part he had been content, recent events had set him to thinking.  He rhythmically drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, waiting for the traffic lights at the end of his street to change.  He hummed a happy tune to himself as he drove along the motorway.  He even waved to the little old lady who scowled at him as he turned into the main road leading in the village where his potential future home was located.  He just stopped short of skipping up the path leading to the cottage, but did greet the real estate agent with an overly enthusiastic handshake, slightly crushing the man’s fingers.

Rumil, Orophin and Legolas sat in the beer garden of their favourite pub, The Jolly Piper, where the décor resembled an old-fashioned tavern, the beer was reasonably priced and was hardly ever watered down and the bar staff were second to none.  The barmaids all wore skimpy tartan skirts and tight, white blouses with plunging necklines that showed off their assets.  The barmen on the other hand wore black trousers – very tight – and white shirts, topped with a tasteful tartan waistcoat.  It seemed that the proprietor had scoured the area to find the best looking staff around, something which was greatly appreciated by his regular clientele, in particular the three Elves sitting drinking in the beer garden.  Rumil’s favourite barmaid had just brought out another round of drinks and by now all three of them were on the drunken side of sober, but the cheerful side of drunk.  Rumil raised his pint glass in a toast.  “To Haldir’s new lover whoever he – or she – may be!”  The other two raised their glasses – Orophin, his rum and coke and Legolas, his glass of Chardonnay and joined the toast, laughing.

“Are you sure, Sir?  You’ll be locked into a 12-month lease.  Don’t you at least want a few days to mull it over?”  Haldir vehemently shook his head.  “No – I’m absolutely positive about this.  I’ll pop into your office tomorrow to sign the lease agreement and drop off the deposit.  How soon can I move in?”  Haldir had immediately fallen in love with the cottage.  It was exactly like the one in his dreams.  It had whitewashed walls, a red slate roof, windows with shutters and an ivy-covered trellis beside the front door.  Inside, the cottage had two bedrooms, a spacious kitchen and a cosy living room.  The front garden had rose bushes, poppies and dwarf conifers and the back garden had enough space for a small drying green and a vegetable plot.  Haldir knew the moment he stepped over the threshold that he had made the right decision.

Legolas and Orophin helped Rumil up the street.  Lunch at the pub had turned into an all afternoon drinking session.  They had left the beer garden when the evening rain started, but had then been forced to leave the pub altogether when the karaoke machine was wheeled out.  Unfortunately, not before Rumil had got up to sing his favourite number – Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean.  He had been dragged out – still singing – by the other two, and bundled onto the bus.  They made it three stops before the bus driver ordered them off, horrified by Rumil’s off-key rendition of “Stop the Bus, I’m Needing a Wee-Wee”.  Giggling and staggering, the three of them made their way to the brothers’ flat.  When they came to the gate, Legolas stopped and looked around.  He pointed at a spot on the road and slurred, “Th’van’s dis’peared.”.  Orophin gasped and let go of Rumil, who gradually sank lopsidedly down to the pavement his hand still clutching Legolas’ arm.  “Where’d van go?”  Legolas asked, worry allowing a chink of sobriety to sneak through.  Orophin shrugged and looked around.  He peered up and down the road, behind the hedge and down Legolas’ shirt then shrugged again.  “Dunno, but this view is pretty good,” he leered, still staring down Legolas’ top.  Rumil started to hiccough.  Legolas batted Orophin’s hands away from his shirt.  “Ser’sly, dad’ll go mental if van’s b’n nicked!  Needs it back tomorrow to take Elrond’s pouffe back to him.”  Orophin raised an eyebrow.  “He re-upholstered it.  New hobby.  Better ‘n his last one.  Tax’dermy – scary stuffed birds all over the place.”  Rumil started imitating an owl.  Legolas began to panic, tears welling up in his eyes.  Orophin placed a comforting hand on his backside.  “Don’t worry; I’m sure it’ll turn up.  If not, he can just claim it on the insurance.”  Legolas sniffled and leaned into Orophin’s grasp.  “It’s not your fault.  C’mon, let’s go up the stairs.”  Legolas allowed himself to be led up the stairs, dragging Rumil behind him.

Orophin managed to get Rumil into bed and was now sitting beside Legolas on the sofa.  Both of them had moved into the philosophical stage of drunkenness, perhaps aided by the bottle of Merlot they had opened upon entering the flat.  Orophin draped his arm around Legolas and pulled him close.  “If the van’s gone, it’s gone.  Along with all our crap – actually, this might not be such a bad thing.”  Orophin thought that Haldir would be pleased that that development.  Legolas sighed and started making patterns on Orophin’s thigh with a finger.  “It’s a shame if it is gone.  I’ve had some good times in that van.  Do you remember when dad loaned it to me for a year and I put carpeting in the back?”  Legolas’ eyes glazed over as he lost himself in memory.  Orophin grinned.  “Yeah, we all drove down to Brighton one summer and had to sleep in the back because we couldn’t find a hotel?”  Legolas laughed and added, “but one night Haldir and Rumil both got lucky and the two of us didn’t so got drunk on really cheap cider.”  Legolas paused and blushed.  “Didn’t we…um…y’know?”  “Like rabbits…really horny, drunk rabbits.”  “Yeah…I couldn’t sit for a few days after that.”  Orophin gulped and looked down at his hands.  “Sorry about that.  I didn’t realize that you were so close to the jack.”  Legolas laughed and stroked Orophin’s hand.  “That’s okay; you more than made up for it.  Remember when we…”  Legolas and Orophin’s trip down memory lane was cut off by the front door closing.

Haldir walked into the living room in time to catch Orophin and Legolas scooting to opposite ends of the sofa.  He raised his eyebrows as each tried to look nonchalant.  He fished the keys to Thranduil’s van out of his pocket and dropped them on the table.  Legolas gasped and grabbed the keys.  “You!  You took the van.  I thought it had been stolen!  I’ve been panicking all night.”  Haldir snorted.  “Yes, you looked as if you were panicking.”  Orophin looked up at Haldir.  “Did you have a good day?”  He asked his brother.  Haldir couldn’t help but grin as he replied.  “Oh yes, a very good day thank you.  Most productive.”  He turned to Legolas.  “Can you let your dad know I’ll need the van again next Wednesday – if you can remember?  I’m going to bed, could you two try not to make too much noise?”  “Before you go, Haldir…”  Orophin started.  “Where are you going on Wednesday?  And with whom?”  He giggled.  Haldir’s smile faltered for a moment.  In all his excitement, he hadn’t considered how he was going to break the news to his brothers.  How was he going to tell them he was moving out?  “No-where special and with no-one at all.”  Haldir hurried through to his bedroom.  He had some thinking to do.

Legolas yawned and stretched, looking at Orophin through sleepy eyes.  “I suppose I’d better go.  I’ll just ‘phone a taxi.”  Orophin took hold of one of Legolas’ hands and pulled him close.  He cleared his throat, licked his lips and said, “Or you could stay?”  Legolas appeared to think for a moment, and then shook his head.  “I don’t think so, Orophin.  I’m not sure I’ve forgiven you yet for what happened with Will.”  Orophin cocked his head and pouted.  “But you said you didn’t care; that Will was a mistake and you two wouldn’t have worked out anyway.”  Legolas grinned and shuffled over until he was sitting on Orophin’s lap.  He leaned in close and whispered into Orophin’s ear, “I was just pulling your leg.  I’d love to stay, but in case you’d forgotten you share a room with your brother.”  “My currently comatose brother.”  Orophin pointed out.  “But you’re right; it’s not a good idea.”  Legolas ran a finger along Orophin’s jaw and kissed him lightly on the lips.  “There is one solution…”  He dangled a set of keys in front of Orophin’s face.  “Remember Brighton?”

To be continued...