Talking about the past

Dave followed Haldir into the kitchen.  Neither said anything until Haldir poured the tea and sat down opposite Dave.  They started to speak at the same time.

"I.."

"You..."

They both laughed.  Haldir motioned for Dave to continue.

"I was thinking about what happened, you know...back then.  I thought we should maybe talk about it."  Dave stared into his teacup.  "For a while after, I hated you.  Then for a long time I missed you so much it hurt.  Gradually, I began to understand you until finally, I forgave you."  Dave looked up into Haldir's eyes, and noticed - to his surprise - that they held unshed tears.  Dave smiled wryly and continued.  "I didn't come here to fight with you, nor did I come to make you feel bad by blaming you for every single bad thing that's happened in my life since then.  I just wanted you to know that although I've never forgotten about what you did, I learned to forgive."

Haldir was lost for words.  When Dave first appeared at his door, Haldir thought it was to demand that he left the village, or at the very least to ask that avoid Dave as much as possible.  Whatever he had expected Dave to say, it wasn't this.  Haldir wasn't sure how to react.  On the one hand he was very relieved that Dave had forgiven him – even if he hadn’t forgiven himself – on the other hand, he was surprised. 

“Why did you forgive me?”  Haldir asked, puzzled.  Dave sipped his tea, pondering the question for a moment.  Finally, he spoke.

“I decided it was far healthier to forgive you and move on with my life than hold on to the bitterness.  Don’t think it was an easy choice.  It wasn’t.  Nor was it something that happened quickly.  It took a number of years before I could think about you without my heart leaping into my throat, then another few before I could think about what you did without feeling as though I could cry.  Eventually, the pain subsided and I became more realistic.  I thought about what happened, tried to understand your reasons.  I suppose a part of me always understood and had the positions been reversed, I would probably have done the same.”  Haldir looked shocked at Dave’s admission.  Dave shrugged his shoulders.  “It’s possible.  You had your reputation to protect and I know that any suggestion of impropriety could have brought you down.  I came to believe that you and I were both victims of an unfair law in an unfair time.  Living in this world for so long, it’s easy to forget that we’re not the same as them.  Elves live according to different laws and beliefs, and all too often they don’t correspond with the world in which we live.  I’m sure we’re not the first to have suffered because of it.”  Dave drained his – now cold – tea and set the cup on the saucer. 

“I am so sorry…”  Haldir began, not really sure if words were enough to express his deep regret and self disgust.  “I was too ashamed to tell anyone the truth.  The only one I spoke with was Orophin and I had little choice in the matter.  He helped me work through a lot of my guilt and gave me hope that one day you would forgive me.  It was thanks to his counsel that I finally built up the courage to go and see you, but…”

“Wait!”  Dave interrupted Haldir.  “You came to see me?  When?”

“It was quite some time after that night.  I told myself the time had come to face my misdeed and that I needed to see you and somehow try to make amends.  But when I arrived at your house, you had gone.  I thought that I would never see you again.  That I would never be able to tell you how sorry I am.  It felt like having my heart ripped out.  I slumped back into my depression for a long time.  One day, Orophin asked me why I felt so bad – was it because I had done you wrong and did not have the chance to clear my conscience or was I empathizing with your feelings?  He made me question myself.  I realized that my misery was selfish.  Yes I felt bad, but I felt bad for me.  I felt guilt and remorse, but I wasn’t thinking about the affect my actions had on you.  Once I thought about that, my own feelings changed.  I still felt all the guilt and shame, but I vowed from that moment on that I would consider other’s feelings.  I promised myself that I would never act in such a selfish, destructive way again.  I have tried to make something positive out of a negative, and I would like to think that I have succeeded.  For most of my life up to that point, I was somewhat self-centred.  No, its okay – you don’t have to disagree with me, it’s true.  Nowadays, I think before I act.  I think about how my behaviour and what I say will affect others and I think I’ve become a better person for it.” 

Dave looked closely at Haldir, knowing that the other Elf spoke truthfully.  He had changed both in his demeanor and his speech.  Haldir sat humbly before him and Dave felt compelled to reach out to him.  He took Haldir’s hand in his and spoke quietly.

“Haldir, I have forgiven you.  You should forgive yourself.  I’m glad that this has taught you an important lesson – although I could have done without being involved.  However, the past is the past and should remain there.  We have talked about this once and we have spoken honestly.  Now I have a suggestion to make.”  He let go of Haldir’s hand and stood.  He walked around to Haldir’s chair and pulled him to his feet and into his arms, embracing him tightly.  For a moment, Haldir did not know how to react.  His arms hung loose at his side as he struggled with what to do.  Eventually, he decided and returned the hug.

“I propose a new start.  We can never forget the past, but let us move on from it.  You are trying to make a new life for yourself here and I would like to be part of that life.  Let us be friends once more, Haldir.”  Dave pulled back from the embrace to look at Haldir.  Haldir, slightly overcome with emotion from Dave’s words could only nod is agreement.  Dave nodded back, “Good.”

The end