A Fictional Party

Severus Snape stood beside the punchbowl looking around the party.  All the current favourites were there…..Legolas, Jack Sparrow, Angel, Harry Bloody Potter.  Guh!  He wondered why he even bothered turning up for these parties.  They were always the same…everyone boasting about their huge fanbases or bragging about the amount of fanfiction written about them.  Snape poured another ladle of punch into his cup and resolved to get very, very drunk.

Haldir drummed his fingers against his chin.  He was stuck in the “hardly-known” corner.  He was surrounded by non-entities – the characters who’s names no-one really remembers, referred only to by their appearance in whichever media they grace.  He was “ya know, that tasty one that got killed at Helm’s Deep” except of course he most certainly did not get killed at Helm’s Deep.  “Bloody imaginative directors!” He huffed.  He looked over at the others.  The ginger one from Harry Potter.  The ginger guy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  The ginger bread man from Shrek.  Haldir sighed.  There seemed to be a pattern emerging here, but he couldn’t quite figure out what.

Legolas held court with all those around him.  He was the life and soul of the party, second only to Will Turner.  His eyes fell upon said character.  “He looks very familiar,” Legolas mused, turning to Buffy and feigning laughter at – yet another – of her dull stories.  Honestly, that girl was so dull!  Vampires were nothing compared to Sauron and his minions.  Legolas smiled indulgently as his fellow party-goers fawned over the blonde female.  “She’s no real competition.  I’m prettier,” he thought.  His only real competition in this group was the young wizard, Harry something-or-other and he was a mere child.  Legolas was confident he would wipe the floor with him.

“Good turnout tonight, eh Snape?”  Severus was startled at the melodious voice beside him.  “I suppose,” he drawled, eyeing the stately elf looming over him.  “If you consider a room full of prissy children to be fun, Elrond.”  Elrond raised an eyebrow – how Severus hated that eyebrow, always raised, always judging – and sniffed.  “We must make way for the younger crowd, Severus.  They are the future.”  “You’re a cliché, Elrond.”  Snape refilled his cup and downed the contents.

“Gonna finger bang her tight little asshole.  Teabag my balls in her mouth…..”  A gentle cough halted Jay’s happy little song.  “There are youngsters present, Master Jay” Obi Wan commented.  Jay flipped him the finger and rolled a doobie.  Obi Wan blanched and scurried away.  “Y’know lunchbox, there is a lack of good pussy here.  Granted, we have the blonde hottie, Buffy and her lesbo friend and over there is cute wizard chick, Hormonal or whatever, but we ain’t gonna get laid tonight.  I need some lovin’, lunchbox!  Wanna suck me off?”  Bob gave Jay “the look”.  Jay stuck the expertly rolled joint between his lips, waggled his eyebrows and shrugged.  “Shoulda stuck with the monkey.”

Severus was bored.  His eyes scanned the room looking for someone remotely interesting to talk to.  His steely gaze fell upon a blonde elf who looked similarly bored.  He had watched the Lord of the Rings movies – they were the competition after all – and recognised the elf as the tasty one who got killed at Helm’s Deep.  Not that Severus thought him tasty.  He was only interested in…um….well, he wasn’t sure what he was interested in.  His director had never given him any sort of romantic interest.  “Typical,” he sneered.  “Directors only care about the ‘stars’.”  Severus became aware he was staring only when he realised that the elf was staring back.  To recover his poise, he tutted and rolled his eyes, hoping the elf would turn away.  To his surprise, the elf continued to stare, a small smirk playing around his lips.  His focus wavered slightly, a result of the potent punch he had imbibed.  Did the blonde elf just blow him a kiss?  He couldn’t be sure…

Haldir had seen the dark figure at previous gatherings.  He had never spoken to the wizard before, but knew a little about him from watching the Harry Potter movies – they were the competition after all.  The dark character looked bored, something Haldir could readily identify with.  And the wizard was staring at him.  Staring at him!  Haldir…the tasty blonde one who had most definitely not died at Helm’s Deep!  Haldir eyeballed him back.  Haldir smiled to himself.  Perhaps tonight would turn out to be not quite as dull as he’d first thought.  He attempted a seductive smile.  The wizard swayed slightly.  “Great!  Having the desired effect….!”  Haldir couldn’t resist blowing him a little kiss.

"Wonderful," Severus grumbled to himself as he watched the elf make his way through the crowd.  As if the blown kiss wasn't enough, now this Haldir fellow appeared to be heading for the very spot Severus had chosen to continue his quest for drunken oblivion.  Severus fingered his black robe.  Haldir has chosen to wear his uniform from The Two Towers, sans axe of course.  Severus smiled at his witty thought.  Haldir was getting closer and Severus started to feel a little nervous - he was used to remaining at a distance from the other party-goers, standing on the sidelines sneering at folks.  Occasionally someone talked to him, but it was usually to ask some inane question like, "What's it like to teach Harry Potter?" or "How are Harry's lessons coming along?"  Always something about that horrible child.  No doubt this one would be no different.  At that realisation, Severus relaxed once more and continued drinking.

"Is this a good idea?"  Haldir wondered as he pushed into the group barring his way.  "It'll be the same as it ever is - I'll be asked inane questions about Legolas."  his thoughts were interrupted as someone grabbed his left buttock and shouted, "Hey baby!  Ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?  Woah!  My mistake, man.  Thought you were a chick.  Hey...didn't you like die or something at Deep Throat?"  Haldir looked down his nose at the scruffy youth and growled - quite difficult to pull off whilst maintaining an arrogant sneer.  Haldir was truly an elf of many talents.  He was approaching Severus, who wore an almost identical sneer.  Haldir nodded his head in greeting and Severus replied with a similar nod. 

"Severus."  Nod again.  "Haldir."  Another nod.  "Drink?"  "Got one."  "Nibble?"  Severus snorted on his drink.  "I beg your pardon?"  Haldir flicked his eyes toward a waitress carrying a tray of hors d'oeuvres.  Severus shook his head.  Haldir took a small canape and tossed it into his mouth.  "Better turn out than the last one, eh?"  Severus looked around  "That's because they make movies so fast these days.  There are new characters before the old ones are really forgotten."  More nodding.  "I expect soon these gatherings will consist of CGI characters and drawings."  Haldir glared pointedly at Princess Fiona and Shrek who were canoodling in a dark corner.  "Of course, some of us will be forgotten sooner than others.  Tell me, Haldir were you in Return of the King?"  Haldir turned his withering glare upon Severus, who certainly did not whither.  "Harry will leave school one of these days and how will you feature in his stories then?"  Severus grimaced, "Touche."  He's good, Severus thought.  He was beginning to enjoy the elf's company.

The two of them bickered and bantered, trading insults and tales of woe well into the evening.  When they ran out of ways to insult each other, they turned on the other guests.  "So I said to him Legolas, if you insist on prancing around like a fairy, people are going to think you're a fairy.  After all, to most humans, fairies are pretty much the same as elves.  Well, I can tell you, he was so affronted, I thought he was going to fire one of his arrows into me.  Luckily I was saved when some fawning fangirl - Elm, or was it Willow? - started gushing over him."  Severus guffawed and patted Haldir on the shoulder.  Haldir looked up into Severus's eyes, his expression serious all of a sudden.  His cheeks coloured slightly, and his palms felt damp.  "So, do you ever read fan fiction?"  He asked.  Severus shrugged and replied, "I once caught Harry and Ron reading a story about themselves.  I confiscated it of course!"  "Did you read it?"  It was Severus's turn to blush.  "I take it you did?  Was it any good?"  Severus shifted uncomfortably in his chair.  Haldir leaned closer.  "It was interesting.  Although I can't say I liked the idea of being paired with Dumbledore."  He giggled, drunkenly.  Haldir moved closer, refilling Severus's glass with the wine he had purloined from a passing waiter.  "You know..." he started, his voice low and conspiratorial.  "I read an interesting one recently.  A very intruiging pairing."  Haldir laughed at his own private joke.  "Oh yes, a certain devastatingly gorgeous, blonde elf and a dark potions master."  Severus's eyebrows almost reached his hairline.  Haldir's eyebrows waggled suggestively.  "Of course you do realise I have no genitals?"  Haldir almost fell off his chair.  "Really?"  He gasped.  "I'm joking!  What do you think I am - an angel?"  Haldir visibly relaxed and poured more wine.

"Bloody annoying - hic - with his stupid scar and his stupid - hic - friends and his stupid quidditch!  And he plays up to it all.  Little bloody bastard."  Severus was entering the 'beligerent drunk' portion of the evening.  "Everyone loves Leg'las...no-one loves me.  They all think I'm dead."  Haldir sniffed into his wine.  The party was drawing to a close.  The younger characters had all either headed off to nightclubs, or had gone home - their own or otherwise - and the only ones left were the hardcore drinkers, the ones who had still to find a bedmate or as in Haldir and Severus's case, were too far gone to notice the time.  Severus had taken to shredding  napkins, muttering about the unfairness of it all.  Haldir was looking distinctly red and puffy around the eyes.  Empty bottles littered their table along with napkins, both shredded and soggy.  "Its just so unfair...they get all the attention.  Not that I want the attention but sometimes it would be nice to be noticed."  Severus's voice had developed a bit of a whine.  "Huh!  At least people don't think you're dead."  Haldir blew his nose and tried to pour himself another drink, hampered by the fact that he was seeing double.  He suceeded in half filling his glass, reasoning that if he poured equal amounts into both, he would get the right one eventually.

"Come on gents.  Don't you have homes to go to?  Drink up and get going."  Haldir's head snapped up and he struggled to focus on the voice.  Severus glanced around at the ballroom, empty now but for himself, Haldir, a team of cleaners and the stern-looking man who had addressed them.  "I think he means us, Haldir."  Haldir struggled to focus on Severus.  He nodded.  It was time to go home.  He stumbled to his feet using the table for support.  Severus also stood and, leaning heavily on each other, the pair made their was to the exit.  "Well, what now?"  Severus slurred.  "If you were female, I'd take you home and ravish you."  Haldir leered at Severus, who couldn't stop swaying.  "And if you were human, I'd let you."  Their eyes locked for a moment.  A moment that seemed to last forever.  Severus cleared his throat and asked the question he had wanted to ask all night.  "Why did you blow a kiss to me earlier?"  Haldir's brows furrowed.  "Well y'see I forgot to put my contact lenses in and I thought you were a female.  It was only when I got closer that I realised it was you!"  Both laughed heartily.  "Really?"  Severus hiccoughed.  "Ha-ha, no.  But if I said I fancy you, you might cast a spell on me,"  Haldir sniggered in reply.  "I probably would," Severus chortled.  "So I suppose a shag's out of the question?"  Haldir chuckled.  "Damned right it is!"  Severus tittered.  "Better go and find a taxi, then," Haldir hooted.  With their arms wrapped around each other for support, the two friends stumbled off into the night in search of transportation.

The end