The Mis-Adventures of Orophin and Rumil: Meet the Parrot

“It’s nice that Legolas met someone.”  Mused Orophin.  Rumil snorted.  “That Elf is such a tramp.  Do you really think this one will last longer than any of the others?  There can’t be a blonde chick left in this city that he’s not bedded.”  “Apparently, this one’s different.  At least, that’s what Haldir said.”  “A brunette, perhaps?”  Orophin nodded, “Must be.”  Rumil stood and rang the bell for the bus to stop.  They always got off a few stops early so they could nip into the off-licence.  “What’ll it be tonight, Rumil?  Perhaps a cheeky little chardonnay?  Or this one, it has hints of raspberries and fresh linen.”  Rumil grabbed his usual, two four-packs of Blue WKD.  “Don’t be such a wank, Orophin.”  “Eh?!”  “Pretending to be a wine snob…you’ll get what you always do.  A six-pack of Stella and a packet of Mini-Cheddars.”  Rumil lugged his drinks over to the counter and waited for Orophin to get his beer.  “Tonight I shall have Scampi and Lemon Nik-Naks.”  “But they smell!”  “Fine!  Mini-Cheddars it is, then.”  They paid for their purchases and wandered up the road to where Legolas had his flat.

“Sweetie, could you please get your feet off the table.”  Legolas playfully slapped Will’s thigh.  “Of course, honey-bun!”  Legolas put some coasters and a bowl of peanuts down on the coffee table.  “Darling, please don’t eat the Pringles tonight.  You know they give you windy-pops.”  Will smiled sweetly, “Anything for you, lovely.”  “Thanks, dear-heart.  Mwah!”  Legolas blew a kiss to Will as he skipped into the kitchen to fetch some glasses.  The doorbell rang.  “Will – be a love and get that, would you?”  Will opened the door.  “Ah, Rumil and Orophin?  Nice to finally meet you.   Legolas has told me all about you.”  He shook their hands and led the way into the lounge.  Orophin and Rumil exchanged glances.  “Definitely different.”  “Definitely a brunette.”  “Rumil!!  Orophin!!  Mwah, mwah!”  Legolas hugged and kissed the brothers.  “Uh-uh!  You know what to do!”  The brothers sighed as they removed their boots.  “It’s not even as if he has a carpet.  It’s all parquet flooring.”  Rumil grumbled.  “Hope you’ve got the bottle opener ready!”  Rumil called as he walked through to the kitchen.  “Here, mate.  Stick these in your ‘fridge.”  Rumil handed Legolas the bags, grabbing a bottle for himself and a can for Orophin.  “We’ll be using glasses this evening, Rumil.”  Legolas tutted in disapproval as Rumil necked his bottle. 

Will laughed heartily at Rumil’s risqué joke – his fifth of the evening.  He was also onto his fifth bottle and they had only been there an hour.  “Rumil, really.  There’s no need for that kind of talk.  We’re civilised people after all!”  Legolas didn’t like the way that Will paid more attention to his guests than to him.  “Yes Rumil.  You promised you’d be on your best behaviour.”  Orophin rolled his eyes in apology at Legolas.  He popped open another can and poured the Stella into his glass.  Legolas poured some more champagne for himself, and a small Bailley’s for Will.  “Excuse I.  I must just use the little Elf’s room.”  Legolas skipped away.  “Here Orophin, mate.  Any chance of mooching a can of Stella?  I can’t stand this stuff!”  Will looked pleadingly at Orophin.  “Help yourself.”  Will dashed off to get the can before Legolas came back and stopped him.  “Don’t you think there’s something odd about those two?”  Rumil whispered to Orophin.  “Odd?  I’m surprised at you, Rumil.  I always thought you were the open-minded sort.”  “I don’t mean that.  Haven’t you noticed how…alike they are?”  “They’re not all that similar.  Legolas is really prissy and Will seems fairly normal.”  Rumil shushed his brother when Will came back in and burped.  “That’s better.  I can’t take Bailley’s.  Gives me the runs the next day.  Oops!”  “Will!  Is that beer in that glass?”  Legolas had just come back into the room to find Will downing his Stella.  “Nope, empty glass.”  Legolas shook his head and perched on the end of the sofa, sipping his champagne.

“So are you two living together or what?”  Rumil asked Legolas.  “Aye – I know it’s a little fast, but it just feels so right.”  Legolas cast a loving glance at Will.  “Have you moved your stuff in?”  Orophin looked around.  Will nodded.  “Where’s your parrot, then?”  Will’s eyebrows shot up.  Legolas choked on his drink.  Rumil laughed.  “I beg your pardon?”  “Your parrot.  Don’t all pirates have a parrot?”  Orophin asked innocently.  “Legolas said….”  “He did, did he?  Legolas?”  “Eh…”  Legolas tittered, drunkenly.  “I may have mentioned your brief career on the open seas while you were having a tinkle.  I think its terribly dashing.”  Will’s cheeks were scarlet with rage.  “For once and for all, I am not a bloody pirate!  Can’t you stupid, nancing Elves get that through your thick skulls???  I am a blacksmith!”  He picked up the tube of Pringles and lashed out at the nearest thing – Rumil’s head.  The lid popped off and sour cream and onion fragments scattered all over the floor.  Orophin shot to his feet.  “Don’t you hit my brother, you criminal!”  He grabbed Will and tried to wrestle the Pringles away from him, emptying the rest of the savoury snacks onto the coffee table.  Will’s untouched glass of Bailley’s tipped over and spilled onto the fireside rug.  Legolas started to cry.  “This always happens when I invite you two over!  You’re nothing but trouble.  My perfect evening is ruined thanks to you.”  He howled.  Rumil noticed something under the coffee table.  He reached down, grabbed it and came up with a feather.  “And I suppose this is from one of your bows, Legolas?”  He held up the feather.  The bright blue feather.  Will had one hand around Orophin’s neck as he tried to ram his spare fist down Orophin’s throat.  “Actually, that would be mine.”  He mumbled.  Legolas sobbed harder.  “Your’s?  Taken up archery then, blacksmith?”  Rumil asked, venomously.  “Ah, no.  That would belong to er…Polly.”  “And who might I ask is Polly?”  Orophin rubbed his neck and looked over at the feather.  “Polly would be my Norwegian Blue.”  Will looked down at his feet.  Orophin took to coughing and hacking, no-one paid him any attention.  Legolas took to wailing.  No-one paid him any attention either. 

Rumil and Will stood toe to toe, nose to nose.  “Would I be right, Will” Rumil spat.  “In thinking that a Norwegian Blue is a variety of parrot?”  Will nodded and muttered something.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that?”  “Yes, it is a kind of parrot.”  “And I take it that you are admitting to owning said Norwegian Blue – a variety of parrot?”  Will sighed.  “Yes.  Yes, I do actually own a parrot.”  “I see.  So you bashed me over the head, tried to make my brother eat your hand and made Legolas cry over what?  An enquiry about your parrot.  The parrot that you do actually own.”  Will’s cheeks turned red again, this time with shame.  “Come on, Orophin.  I think I’ve made my point.”  Rumil spun on his heals and walked to the door, Orophin following.  “Goodnight Legolas.  Thank you for yet another spectacular evening.” 

“What time is it Orophin?”  Orophin looked at his watch.  “Just after ten.”  “Haldir’s going to kill us for ruining his night.”  Orophin shrugged.  “I just want to go home.  My throat hurts.”  Rumil agreed.  “The worst thing about it all…we left the rest of our booze in his ‘fridge.”  Orophin stopped dead.  “That was the worst of it?  I almost got strangled and loosing our booze was the worst of it?”  Orophin strode away, fuming.  “Wait, brother, I didn’t mean that.  Besides, it was you who started it…”

The end