Fanfiction

“Eh?  What the fuck?”  Orophin’s head shot up at the screeched curse that emanated from his brother’s bedroom.  He put down his book and went off to investigate.  He opened the door to Rumil’s room and saw his brother, hunched over his computer, shoulders shaking.

“What’s up?”  Orophin walked over and tried to see what was on Rumil’s screen, curious as to what had caused such a reaction in the other Elf.

“No!  You can’t look at this!”  Rumil tried to cover the screen with his hands, but this only served to make Orophin all the more curious.  He wrestled his brother’s hands away and read the text.  His jaw dropped open.  He read aloud.

“’Legolas purred as Gimli licked and nibbled his neck.  His hand slid down the Dwarf’s body, marveling at the muscles, well-hidden beneath coarse fabric.  “My father would kill us if he found us like this.”  Legolas struggled to speak.  “Yer daddy’s no’ here, laddie.”  Gimli growled into the delicately pointed ear.’  What the hell is this?”  Orophin demanded, turning on his brother with barely concealed anger and disgust.

“Um, apparently it’s called fanfiction.”  Rumil sniggered, watching the veins in his brother’s forehead throb.  “It’s very popular on the internet.  Fans write stories about us.”  Rumil’s tone held a note of pride.  He continued, “Oh yes, there are loads of websites dedicated to stories about you, me, Haldir – of course – not to mention all the rest.  Here, look...I’ll show you some others.”  Rumil opened a new window and typed in the address of a fanfiction website.  He clicked a few times and a new story appeared.  Rumil tapped the screen.  “This one is about you and uh, Haldir.”

Orophin choked.  “Me and Haldir?  But he’s our brother.  That’s disgusting.  That’s awful!  That’s...oh my!  What is he doing to me?”  Orophin’s eyes traveled down the page.  Every so often he’d let out a squeak or a gasp.  Rumil watched as redness crept up from Orophin’s neck to his hairline. 

“If you think that’s bad, you should read what they write about Elladan and Elrohir.  Oh hang on, they actually do all that stuff.  Wait – this is even better!”  Rumil started frantically clicking again and this time a picture appeared on the screen.  “Fans also do art.  This is a photo manipulation.  See?  That’s obviously not Elrond’s real body.”  Rumil stated.

“And you would know?”  Orophin raised an eyebrow at his brother.

“Well, what I mean is...that is to say...  Shut up!”  Rumil frowned at Orophin’s grin. 

Orophin sat down on the corner of Rumil’s bed.  “Hey, are there any stories about me and Legolas?” 

“Not as many as you would think.  He tends to be paired with either Aragorn or Gimli.”  Rumil started searching through the stories for one that his brother would enjoy.

“Aragorn?  But he’s married to Arwen.  And they’ve got kids.  As for Gimli...I know Legolas sometimes has strange ideas but even he’s not that kinky.  Imagine that...an Elf and a Dwarf.  Where do these people get their ideas?”  Orophin leaned forward to see what Rumil had come up with. 

Rumil was bored.  Orophin had spent the last few hours reading stories involving him and Legolas.  When he’d run out of stories involving that pairing, he moved onto stories that had him paired up with anyone else.  Rumil made himself a cup of tea and sat on his bed playing with his PSP.

“Here’s another website.  Sexy Elves.  That sounds interesting.”  Orophin scrolled down the screen.  “Ooooh, ‘Random Act of Sexual Kinkery’.  Oh yes – I’ll be having some of that.”  He clicked on the link and started to read.

“I don’t believe it...”  Orophin’s hand shook as he pointed at the screen.  “Rumil, this story...it’s me and Legolas.”

“Guh!  You’re so vain, Orophin.  Read about someone else for a change.”  Rumil tutted and shook his head.

“I’m serious, Rumil.  We actually did this.”  Orophin re-read the story, just to be certain.

“I’m not surprised.  You two are always at it.  Like bloody rabbits.”

“You’re not listening to me.  Everything in this story happened.  Everything.  Every single detail.  Right down to the lip gloss!”  Orophin began to panic, his eyes darted around the room as if he were searching for something.

“Lip gloss?”  Rumil put his game aside and stood reading over Orophin’s shoulder.  “You mean to say that you really did dress up as a Japanese schoolgirl and did all of those things?”  Orophin nodded.  “You dirty bugger!”

“I think you’re missing the point, Rumil.  How does this...”  He clicked around a few times until he found what he was looking for.  “How does ‘Jo’ know we did that?”  Orophin grabbed Rumil’s arm and clung tightly to it, a look of fear and paranoia washing over his face.

“Coincidence?”

“But it’s so accurate.”  Orophin gulped and whispered, “She even knows what colour of panties I wore.  Maybe the flat is bugged?  Maybe she has spy cameras hidden all over the place!  Maybe she’s watching us now!”  Panic gave way to full on hysteria and Orophin started thrashing his arms and legs and wailing.  In the background, he could hear Rumil calling his name.

“Orophin!  Wake up – you’ll have the neighbours calling the police.”  Rumil gave his brother another shake, trying to bring him out of his dream.  With a final anguished cry, Orophin sat bold upright, grabbing Rumil’s shoulders.

“Rumil, please tell me it’s not true.  Tell me she can’t see what we’re doing.”  Orophin looked pleadingly at his brother.

“Who?  What?  Eh?”

“Fanfiction...tell me Jo’s not really writing fanfiction about me and Legolas.”

“Who’s Jo and what the fuck is fanfiction?”  Orophin breathed a sigh of relief and eased his grip on Rumil’s shoulders.

“Oh thank goodness it was all a dream.  It was terrible, Rumil.  You were there and there was this Jo person and she was writing stories about me...oh, what a nightmare.”  Orophin sank back onto his bed, laughing and relieved.  “Fanfiction, eh?  Where did that idea come from?”

The end

Notes:  I make no apologies for the silliness of this story - it's Sunday, I'm hungover and I'm just getting over a cold.  So there. ;0P